Or, rather, letting God put me back together again.
I know I'm forgiven. I know I'm loved. Over the years I've been slowly, painfully, learning to love and accept myself. The hardest bit of that is loving the broken, scarred, bits of my being. Those bits I don't love. Those bits I resent deeply. Without my experiences though, both good and bad, I wouldn't really be me. So, perhaps I need to learn to accept them as part of me. That's a big ask though.
Perhaps I need to learn to embrace them. That isn't to say that I ought to allow myself to wallow in misery. Nor does it mean that I am 'giving up' and accepting defeat or settling for second best. It's just that I have reached a new depth of realisation that God and others love me as I am, warts, scars, and all; that some things in my life - some of the scars - won't be healed in this life - that's part of being a fallen (but redeemed) creature living in a fallen world. Perfection will come, but not until the Lord returns or calls me home.
I think I am learning that my idea of perfection is very different to God's. It struck me very recently that the risen Christ has scars… The marks of the crown of thorns; scourge; nails; spear. I had always assumed that achieving 'perfection' would mean becoming scar-free and unblemished. But I realise now, that probably can't be the case. The risen Jesus is perfect - pretty much by definition - He is God, after all. His scars are part of His perfection.
The scars are actually one of the things which make Him distinctive.
His scars are part of what makes him, Him.
So, it's okay for me to have scars, mental as well as physical. In fact, I don't think I should resent them, or be ashamed of them, as I have been up until now. They are part of what has made me, me.
A friend said recently that the bad things in our past are 'scars which shape us'. They are among the things which God has used to begin to mould me to be more Christlike. I have gained so much through those experiences, even if they were horrid at the time. And anyway, being weak and vulnerable sometimes is good - that's when we grow, and it forces us to rely on God for strength and wisdom...
Jesus said to the Apostle Paul:
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 2 Corinthians 12:9
I think that perhaps I begin to understand what Paul says here about 'glorying in our sufferings':
And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. Romans 5: 2-4
Paul ministered in or from his chains, to great effect - as can be seen from some of his letters - Colossians for instance, which we studied at the Landmark conference. Somehow, accepting the 'limitations' that my 'chains' place upon me feels liberating - I can stop vainly hoping that the scars will be erased, and concentrate, instead, on serving Him who is above every throne from where I am now. Oddly, perhaps, since starting to acknowledge and accept my own pain, it is much reduced. For instance - I have not ceased to grieve; but it is gentler, less raw; easier to live with.
Having worked all this out, I have gained a fresh sense of peace. I am no longer at war with myself - no longer resenting parts of me (my past) which no-one can change. Given time I might even learn, like Paul, to glory in my sufferings. There will come a day when my scars will no longer cause me pain:
Then I saw “a new heaven and a new earth,” for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” Revelation 21: 1-4 (NIV)
I'd like to finish with some acknowledgements. I thank God especially for Nao, Ruthy, Marcus, John Mosey, and Mark Powley. All contributed to the work God began afresh in me over the weekend of the Landmark conference - teaching me about suffering; acceptance; forgiveness; starting from where we are. They helped me to start changing my thinking and allow God to begin to repair my attitude to myself.
God bless you.