Over the past few years, I have been on a journey. It has been a hard, rocky, road to travel, believe me. I was going to tell you all about it, but I don’t think that would be helpful, either for you or for me; not to mention that it would take far too many words to write, and far too long to read. Suffice it to say that losing my father this time last year was not the hardest thing I have had to deal with recently. It would feel as though I was beginning to get on with life again, and then THUD, something would come and knock me flat. I would pick myself up and carry on, only to be knocked flat again. Rinse and repeat, seemingly ad infinitum. It gets tiresome after a bit - almost not worth the bother of getting up again. ‘Bumping along the bottom’ was how I described it to one friend.
The tough time came to a head about a month ago. At that point, I really, really, knew that something was wrong.
Far too wrong for me to deal with it on my own.
And so I sent out a message to my close friends and prayer supporters. Here is a little of what I wrote:
"I’m sick of feeling low like this - to the extent that I have become ‘sick of me’, and have the feeling, deep-down, that therefore everyone else must be sick of me too. So much so that I have started to keep myself to myself far more than usual - because I haven't wanted to subject anyone else to my melancholy. Even Linda has remarked on me being ‘distant’. In a way, I suppose, it has been deliberate. But, having voiced it when she complained, I know I’m wrong to act like that. It’s not going to feel any better if I bottle it up.”
A couple of days went by. And then a message arrived, from my lovely friend Naomi. A message which tentatively offered me the lifeline that I knew, deep down, I needed; so, like a drowning man, I grabbed it. Nao is a wise, perceptive, and incredibly kind friend; one of those people it is a real privilege, and joy, to know. So she and I have spent several sessions over the past few weeks, talking (and praying a little), and exploring ways for me to modify my behaviour and thinking. I have learnt a lot about myself, and about how my brain works. We're not done yet, but so far it has been very helpful.
It has been really hard work. I have had to confront unpleasant memories and feelings, many of them from long, long, ago - some truly horrible, nightmarish even; that part of the process has been both exhausting and very painful.
The transformation though, in just over three weeks, has been profound, and amazing. There are real, tangible, changes to the way I am going about thinking and living life. Not least among the results of the changes is that I have begun to sleep properly again - something I feared had gone for good. I'm also able to concentrate much better, and to pray without my mind instantly wandering.
I am feeling so much better.
Much more like myself than I have in ever such a long time.
It is hard to believe it’s real though, after battling so hard for so long - I keep feeling the urge to pinch myself to make sure it isn't just a dream.
Other hard times may come - in fact, they probably will - life's like that (and I might write more about that in another post). But the knowledge that I survived this tough time will give me the strength and stamina to cope with the next rocky part of the journey.
At last, life inside my head feels as though I am, figuratively speaking, wandering down a leafy lane, with just the sound of the birds singing, and the breeze wafting the leaves of the trees, to ‘disturb' me…
Now I can hear, once more, the still small voices - of God, and my own soul. And that, let me tell you, is a great relief after the turmoil and trauma of the recent past.
The Lord said, “Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by.”
Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. 1 Kings 19:11-12 NIV
I couldn’t have done this on my own - it took someone else, someone wise and Godly, reaching in and ‘turning the volume down’ - or at least teaching me where the volume control was - to begin to get back to normal. It isn’t all plain sailing - there are still odd times when it all goes a bit wrong again, but now I have the tools to help me deal with that, and I am finding that as time goes by there are fewer bad moments, and more and more ‘leafy lane’ moments…
And finding that I am steadily feeling more and more like myself again.
And drawing closer to God.
So many people have been so good to me. I am extremely grateful to all the folks who have stuck by me through my ups and downs. For a while back there, I felt as though I was completely unlovely and unlovable, yet my family (my lovely 'real' one, and my big, welcoming, accepting, joyful, church family) stuck by me. I really am a very fortunate man, to be blessed with so many amazing friends and relations; God has been so very good to me, putting all these lovely people in my life, to walk the road beside me, to pick me up and dust me down when I stumble and fall.
Last Monday, my friend Woodsy contacted me - did I fancy meeting for a coffee? That sounds like a small thing, trivial even, but considering where I'd been in my mind, and the stuff I'd been working through, it felt really significant... A sign that someone liked me, and wanted to spend time with me. We had a really good time together, and I'm grateful to him for making the time to show he cared.
I was in church on Sunday evening, taking part in one of our annual 'Pastoral Care Sunday' services. There had been an offer of prayer ministry (to have someone pray for one, usually about something specific, asking for God's help and blessing). And I'd thought to myself - 'I don't need that; I'm practically fixed - I'd feel like a right prat asking for prayer for something that's already as good as sorted.' So I stayed kneeling where I was and kept on worshipping. I ought to have known better, after all these years - that sort of thought usually has 'consequences'...
Kneeling there, singing away, I suddenly felt that someone was very close by... When I opened my eyes, there was someone there - someone I knew by sight, but whose name I wasn’t even sure I knew. But I felt safe and relaxed, worshipping with God's people - so I closed my eyes again and went with it. She prayed. I have no idea what she prayed, but I became aware of how blessed I am to belong to such a marvellous family and how much I'm loved and accepted - an almost indescribably special feeling. And I was aware that God knew my struggles, what I'd been through, and that He wanted me to know that He loves me and is with me wherever I go and whatever I do. I felt very, very blessed and peaceful.
I felt her move away, shortly to be replaced by another - Sandie, who was my fellow churchwarden for three years - she was, typically, more direct - she'd felt prompted to come and pray for me because I'm coming to the end of my time as warden - that God would bless me and renew my strength, and would guide me clearly into the next phase of my life and ministry.
After the service I went and introduced myself to the other person who'd prayed for me - Daniela is her name - she hadn't even known my name, but had known that she had to pray for me.
Extraordinary timing that.
How could she have known that this was exactly the right moment to pray?
Why did she feel prompted to pray for me at all, a virtual stranger?
How could she have known the effect a stranger doing something so special, so intimate, as to pray for me, would have at that moment in time?
How could she have known the struggles I’d had to believe that I was lovable at all?
Coincidence?
Or God’s Holy Spirit at work?
You choose - but I know what I believe.
...As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you. Joshua 1:5
I am so richly blessed. When I look back to my early life, I could never, even in my wildest dreams, have imagined that I would be so loved.
I stand amazed in the presence
Of Jesus the Nazarene,
And wonder how He could love me,
A sinner condemned, unclean.
How marvellous! How wonderful!
And my song shall ever be:
How marvellous! How wonderful!
Is my Saviour’s love for me! (Charles H Gabriel, 1856-1932)
God bless you.